Went Solo on that A$$, but he still the same.

The Bye and Bye has become my favorite place to frequent since the Big Move on my own again. As I get older I realize this moving often shit is for the birds. These aren't the old days of an aspiring dancer who would pick up and go on a whim, and pray for the best. Don't get me wrong, I will still travel anywhere, but there is something about having your roots planted and a place to call home at this age. Having a home base was always something I would beg my mom for. We moved constantly, and while it didn't seem like a big deal back then, I am seeing now in my 30's, just how affected I was (as with a number of other issues that have arisen quiet as it's kept) by the constant movement. I believe a home was the last thing she wanted to secure for us before she passed, and she did. I was proud of her in that moment (as with many others), even though weeks later she'd succumb to her illness, and I'd have to let the house go. She did everything for me that lady.

The last few weeks have probably been the hardest in a while, but honestly I don't regret having these hard moments because I needed to be reminded that I am resourceful. Reminded that my hustle game is real strong still. Reminded that I CAN DO THIS! The other piece I have been reminded about, is that people (Family, Friends, New Neighbors) really will help and genuinely want to help. That sometimes you just have to allow the blessings in and not be ashamed to accept them in whatever form they come in. I say that to say this! GIVE YOURSELF A CHANCE TO SHOW AND PROVE! Take the risk! You'll never know what you're capable of until you go for it! The shits never gonna be easy...never. But that's the point isn't it?

 

~Signed the only Black person in Bye and Bye

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Lone Mother I see you

Lone Mother I see you.

I see your light.

I see your heart.

I see your grace.

Lone Mother I see you tackle the world and ignite the fire of creation.

Lone Mother I see you raise persons and cradle their innocence.

Lone Mother, giver of self.

Lone Mother I feel your hope and despair, and embrace your readiness to protect at the frontline.

I envision holding your hand again Lone Mother.

You are the source of energy and balance which sustains generations, you are the constant and ever supreme Lone Mother.

Wooh! I shout in tongue and lift your name Lone Mother.

Lone Mother I SEE YOU, adore you, appreciate you, and hope the joy you felt upon first gaze into our eyes fills you and gives you a sense of pride.

With gratitude.

~B

 

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Aye! You is Kind, You is Smart, You is Important!

 

Now I am sure I am not the only one who looks at Sunday and says "OMG I don't wanna go to work tomorrow"right? I got to thinking yesterday as 7pm rolled around and the dread began to drape over me like an ill fitted lace-front, that I was gonna have to get up at 4 a.m. (yes it has gotten to the point where if I don't wake up at least 3 hours before work, I'm already late) and scramble to get myself together. But then I stepped out of my funk and began to ponder on purpose. What goals do I want to set for myself this week? What am I looking forward to for tomorrow? Truth is I don't dread going to work at all because fortunately I get to do what I love and enjoy. Now the other truth is I wouldn't mind being wealthy and traveling the world for a living either. I definitely live a  boujee bitch lifestyle in my head.  I started to get excited about starting up on my juicing again, and getting back on track with my nutritional plan. I'd been making progress a few weeks before and that was a highlight of the week. Now I am in no way to telling ya'll that you can't feel what you want to feel. Hell sometimes you need those moments where all you want to do is sit on the couch and complain. I am saying that you don't have to sit it for long periods of time. I am grateful to the village of family and friends who remind me to flip my thinking.  There is a purpose for you on this day! Glow up on your Monday and prosper for the week! I play around with my sister and Kayla often where we say in our best DJ Khaled voices " WE DA BEST!", "YOU GOLDEN!", "YOU POPPIN", "YOU AURA GOALS!".  What would your DJ Khaled phrase be?

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There's a change a coming, well...it's happening

Ever get that pit of uncertainty in your stomach? The one that makes you a bit queasy and uneasy? I have learned that is my anxiety talking directly to me. For the last few weeks, I have consumed three or more cups of coffee daily, fell off my nutritional plan, picked up my work load (and most likely will be picking up more), gone on a hunt for an apartment, and the list goes on. All while still recording and editing a podcast and vlog, and trying to maintain relationships (which seems to be flailing). I am officially integrated into western society's ideal work life...(where's the Charlie Brown UG! meme when you need one?). People will say, "That's adulting!", "That's life!". But is it? 

While coming to grips with this pattern of reality,  I wonder who made up these rules? At what point was working your tail to the ground the only way to make it? My friend often tells me that once I move into my own place I should get a pet, and while I pleasantly ponder this idea, I instantly think "Girl when the hell am I gonna have time to spend with a dog?", and "who is gonna pay vet bills, and food"? I'm barely gonna skate by for myself once this move is official.

I'd really like to find the balance of it all while understanding that change is constant, and that I have to be able to adjust even though I feel my entire life has been adjusting. Adjusting is a reality. I've had to adjust most noticeably and recently to the changes in relationships with friends. Folks I usually kick it with aren't around as much, text messages are more and more delayed or aren't even returned. And calling? What the hell is that? I totally admit I play a hand in these modules as well, but I deeply feel the impact. Is this a result of all the adulting having to go on in our lives?

I made a comment to a friend yesterday as she invited me to an event (already having had a very busy day planned), and it triggered a response in me that almost had me in tears. I'd said "I am trying my best to accommodate everyone's requests, and am just trying to do the best I can". I felt I needed to apologize for not being able to be available at their request, and that bothered me. Sounds like I need to learn how to set boundaries right? Or just learn how to be okay with saying I'm not able to do this.

In my phrase of the year, "I say that to say this", We are all booked and busy, that is the truth. And it doesn't seem like overworking will let up anytime soon, but give yourself permission to take a few breaths, have that moment of silence, cry, express, create, self-care, however your outlet releases. It's also perfectly fine to log off. I'm gonna take a page from my own advice book here and see how well I can apply these theories in my own life.  Make your own rules ya'll! 

~B

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